Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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