Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
