yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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