Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
try to milk me bitch
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
