the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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