he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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