I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
