i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
