I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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