I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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