Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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