dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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