My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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