someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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