I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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