I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
