can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
