don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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