Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
