just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
