Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I touched a dick in church today
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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