but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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