I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
