i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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