She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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