Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
