Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
