I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
