hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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