its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I don't want my vagina anymore.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
