If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
