you would pick up someone in the library
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
