How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
All the doctor said was why
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
