I cannot find my penis.
My cat gives me a boner
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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