He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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