kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
