I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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