I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
