How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
