Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
