She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
