I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
