Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
