Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
