I want to have your abortion
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
