Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
