Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
