Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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