i think i have two assholes
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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