his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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