I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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